Care Yourself

When you fall in love, you fall in love with yourself, too. This is the critic that you must think of, yourself.

When you feel alone, you think that you are not worth being cared for or loved. This is because you think that your body or mind of thoughts is a complete mess. Don't worry. There are so many people like that. But when you have your life's darling, lover, there is no problem. You are beautiful, you are worth to have gazed in the eye. 

The extent of love is not that kind of basic. The instinct to be matched relies on your opinions, not just your physical appearance or your entity in the world. The earth can handle your entity, but it can not find the time to handle your depressing emotion of being not chosen.

Sometimes the feeling makes you like the wine color on your lips, sometimes Surf Mesa song on your ears. No matter. It is you that you love, it is you that you miss. Just know that the matching instinct is your need of existing in the modern era. Existing means the specialty, the differentiating figure of your life into the crowd. 

You are just too real to be true, one should believe that. And this should be why one's not being able to take his eyes from you. 

It's all, thank you for caring for yourself.

Note to Myself:

Can't I just go my own way? Can I hold the one who is gone already? Don't come to my mind during the day, obviously you don't want to break my heart. You're already gone, I'm gone. The phrase you're gone is actually the reflection of my going on you. So I kept on going my way. Oh, I made a good mistake. Well, I enjoyed it beautifully. I'm sick, I'm sick. I'm sick spirited. Even if I were happy now, I would get tired of the past again. Nobody should approach me, I shouldn't be related to anyone.

04/14/2020

Kendime Not

Ben kendi yoluma gidemez miyim? Gideni tutabilir miyim? Gün içinde aklıma gelip durma, belli ki kırmak istemiyorsun kalbimi. Gittin zaten, ben gittim. Sana gittin deyişim aslında kendi gidişimin senden bana sıçrayan gidişleri. Ben de yoluma gitmeye devam ettim. Kah güzel hata yaptım kah medet umdum umulmayasıcalardan. Haa kah güzel keyif aldım. Hastayım ben, hastayım. Hasta ruhluyum. Şimdi mutlu olsam bile geçmişte kalmışlara yorulcam. Kimse bana yanaşmamalı, ben kimseye ilişmemeliyim.

14.04.2020

Why do you remember?

So, you've just leaned back; wanted to read something. But also, you don't want to waste your time. Welcome, dear reader. I am writing some stories of my life. It comes to my mind when I couldn't achieve to soften or it is squished in me and I write my solitude. Now, I will share my writing on my past, don't look at the date, it's real past. Let's see what you will think of it, I am irradiating you from here, voila!

14.04.2020 #3

It doesn't work, I remember more every time. Every time even more than the latest. Every time I stare those photos, I am irradiated to the time it occurred.

I remember how we parked the car in Çiçekli breakfast, my stepping out of the car. My feet's pressing to the soil. The feeling that I should eat less so that they don't think I am eating like an animal. I remember the taste of the tea. These must be the punishments attributed out of my some kind of sin. Natural punishment, the humanities' deserving case. Something that already occurs in my consciousness and doesn't let me be free. How do I leave it?

I remember the Nuri the cat's biting me, how it sleeps on me, I remember Frodo. The times that you sleep as you remain from yesterday, your friend wakes up before you and take a photo of you. The cat in the house dominates you with its front feet as if it's its victory. I can't forget our watching those films, the first time my watching and my crying. It is nothing to do with you, I am sure, nothing. It shouldn't be. I wonder if my feelings getting older. Is this why I am saying that "It shouldn't be"?

Does Olmeca shag? Do I say this automatically? Is it because it's forbidden? Because of propriety or conscience? Because of honor?... Because of that poor woman who resembles me and wants to share my past?
It is too much.

I remember when I didn't want to go to the dormitory the time I was drunk, the red armchair that I slept on in my friend's home, the livings that I had on the armchair in the saloon, that I slept without any sheets.  Current Tuğçe would be grieved to the irregularity of that regularity. She didn't. She slept, she got enough sleep, she enjoyed it. She came late, woke up late, she had video talk with her elder sister in a position that she remained from yesterday. In that home. Tuğçe experienced so many things in that home, too. She scared the probability of your being in danger, in a quarrel. She doesn't forget, remembers any of them.

All the songs that are listened on a long road, they didn't help, they don't help.
To console that moment. Now, it is the same again.

This can not get your reality no matter what you live. No matter how you try to be yourself, yourself that you've built. Nothing is enough, we want to consume the moment, at the time you feel. Why? What is this rush? Do we know enough that we may die right now?

So, this is it. I have really had difficulty in this station, you've seen. You've encountered the problem about my remembering. Now think a little, why do you remember?